The Day I out Drank GOD

I once got into a car accident; you know the usual, drinking and driving. I killed a 1992 Geo Storm, a guard rail on I-96, and a very unlucky retarded trout that was swimming in the Grand River. Her death was much mourned by her school; which were later eaten by drunken yuppies on a boat busting five knots.

The doctors would pronounce my death due to affixation. Truth be told, I choked to death on a Burger King Chicken Tender while I was plummeting to my death in the river. Honestly it wasn’t my fault though; Yes, I was drunk driving, but the passenger side front tire sheared off the lug nuts and there I went. I was on my way to 711 to get a banana slurpee. Some things will always be a classic, and if you’ve never tasted the two together, well then you’re a fool!

Fact was; Owen’s dead, and fish food, yet here I am to tell you this mediocre yet miraculous tale. All while drinking an ice cold Labatt’s in my dorm room and knowing the girl I’m seeing won’t call me back. Yet, I digress. I died yet here I am, living the stereotypical art school debauchery your parents warn you about.

Why you ask? Well, I’m glad you did. I’m still here because I met God and got a second chance. I woke up in the classical motif you know the tunnel, the white light, loved ones, yada, yada, yada. They did the welcoming thing giving me hugs and stuff; I tolerated it for as long as I could, then got pissed as the reality of my situation sunk in.

“Naw. FUCK THIS! No way! I get a do over!” Grandma shook her head, most were perplexed. From the looks on their faces most people don’t react that way when being greeted in the after life. A man in a white robe stood next to the gates that mark the entrance to heaven, I assumed it was Saint Peter. He held a book bound in gold, he was staring at me all serene faced, with that look that holy men give you in his eyes.

“Nope, I’m not supposed to be dead!” I lamented. “Your gonna tell me fate, or God, or Kismet, whatever the hell you wanna call it, thinks that me dying by choking on a fucking chicken tender is the way I’m supposed to go out? That’s on the books!? Uh huh. Look, I’ve met God; I wanna talk to that glowing asshole in charge!” I said. I could tell everyone got uncomfortable as Saint Peter squinted his eyes, licked one finger and paged through the golden book. He sighed heavily.

“Owen’s right I don’t see his name. You’ve got to talk to an archangel. Thru the gates to the left, he likes to mope about. And son, watch your language.” Peter said. The gates creaked open and I walked inside the realm of heaven. I walked in without muttering what was on the tip of my tongue.

Clouds floated about me, I coughed and swatted them away, there I saw the silver city, and when they speak of the music of the heaven they meant the sound I heard: like wind chimes ringing slowly on a slow and lazy summer day, like a bass strumming lowly, reverberating between you the speakers and the floor, like violins or perhaps piano’s echoing off the corridors in abandoned alley’s where bums slept and died, like the sound of children’s laugher. It felt like my Nephew Yerik smiling at me the first time. It was color, it was peace it was overwhelming. I fell in love watching winged men and women flying, and assorted people floating over green fields and lakes, between buildings that pierced the very sky. I looked up and saw the Milky Way churning and turning, teaming with life. I felt the life emanating and flowing through me. To say the least, I was in awe. Yet, I still wanted to go home. As Peter said, I turned the corner and saw a giant with wings tinged gold at their corners, and light didn’t so much fall upon him, but through him like light passing through gypsum or ivory. Michael sat on a rock, his flaming sword unsheathed and reclining on the rock on which he sat. How did I know it was Michael? Well, because he looked a lot like John Travolta from that movie. He looked me over; I was looking him over and must say in all his grandeur I expected more.

“Yo” I said.

“Hey” He replied.

“So Michael right?”

“Yup” Mike replied.

“I’m sorry dude, I was just expecting like you choking a demon to death, or like you’d float down in a haze of ethereal light. But you’re about as unspectacular as a bowl of Cheerios…No offense.”

“What no falling to your knees, no sycophantic worship? Let me guess too many drugs?” Michael asked.

“uhhh, you’re kinda fat and you look a lot like that cat from Grease. And I’m telling you guy, that ain’t a compliment.” I said. Michael sighed heavy and the ground began to tremble, and for a single second everything went black except for that flaming sword. Michael was suddenly glowing and wearing armor like a Roman general. The Milky Way shone in the background and his wings rose, they were all that filled the sky from end to end. He became bigger than the universe; I was a mouse at his foot, an ant quibbling over crumbs. He was life, and cataclysm. Then, as suddenly as it began, it stopped. And there again was this fat guy on a rock with wings, a solemn expression, and a sword of flames or a sword on fire I wasn’t sure.

Then I said “Yeah that was tremendously more impressive…I probably shouldn’t have brought up the movie huh?”

“Seriously. Some farmer has a story about me and I get type cast in a movie, but you’re the first person in a long time I’ve had to give a clue. You’ve got balls kid, now what the hell do ya want?” Michael said.

“Look, it’s not my time, I wasn’t supposed to die, and I’m not supposed to be here. Peter checked the book, my name wasn’t there. And, I’m sorry to say this, but I don’t want to talk to middle management. I want to talk to you know who…. (Ahem) we’ve spoken before.”

Michael spit to the side and said “Ya know there is something mighty irregular about you kid, most people shit their figurative pants when they see me in true form. You’ve got a bit of the chaos in your soul, a little bit of the voided blood, huh?”

“I’ve got no idea what the fuck that means, but if that means I’m gonna talk to God, then, yeah” I replied. Mike smiled, and then took me by the wrist, my vision blurred and I heard the beating of wings and wind blowing through me. Then the wings parted and there I was in a room that reminded me of what people say the old senate in Rome looked like. Marble floors, marble columns, three rows of seats set above the floor. All the seats were empty except for two. In the middle the most authoritative seat was a glowing orb, shinning as bright as a star. Four seats to its left was a being that looked like a shadow. It had a head and a torso; it was seated so I wasn’t sure if it had legs but I assumed.

“…Simply put, if it touches my soil I will obliterate it. I do not care who used to serve you or what you deny, there has been peace and…” the shadow being stopped and looked down at me, or at least its head turned in my direction. He could’ve been looking at Mike.

“Michael, I am in a very important discussion with the Lord of the Orphans can’t this wait?” The glowing Orb said… (I immediately knew it was God, I’m just trying to build the story up for you, the reader.)

“No. I thought this might demand both your immediate attentions my lords.” Michael bowed. I nodded my head at both beings. “He seems to be a part of the Voided and the Light, claims his time wasn’t up, and Peter couldn’t find him in today’s list. And if you hear its mouth, you’d know he isn’t afraid of any of the supernatural. Not to mention, he claims to have met you.”

“Hmmm” God said. Both creatures took my weight and measure.

I interrupted. “uhhh, I did meet you, I think… God right? Don’t know the shadow guy there. Well, ya see, I was tripping on Acid at my apartment this one time and took a whip-it and phased through the floor and I kinda bumped into you and you said ‘You’re not supposed to here.’ And I was sucked ba…”

“He has a grain of the void in him.” the shadow being said.

“True all the Shadowsong Kin do, and this isn’t the time for his death.” God said.

“See!” I said.

“SILENCE!!” God said and the world trembled. I shut up. “This is of your domain, what do you want to do?” God asked the shadow being.

“He is an Owen. Some are important others are not. He’ll never meet Wolf-Eater; give him a chance to win his life back. I have other matters to attend to… something is about to rise in the frontier lands and since I have no help; I must attend to things myself. Good luck little Owen.” And with that the shadow being was gone. I have no idea what they were talking about, but I nodded a farewell when it faded away.

“What are your terms?” God asked.

I looked up to Michael perplexed and mouthed “What??”

“There must be a contest, name the game, if you win you can go home. Lose and well, I have no idea, but God always gets kinda pissy right after talking to the Orbus one, I’m figurin’ hell.”

“Oooooh” I thought long and hard about my life. I thought about my ex-girlfriend who just told me it wasn’t okay for me to just show up at her house anymore, and about the guy she was probably going to sleep with if not already. I thought about my mom and that I could never tell her this story. I thought about my brother, probably working right now and my sister who was probably at this moment smoking a joint. I thought about my Dad, and how he could drink anyone in world under the table. Then I looked at God and smiled. “I challenge you to a drinking contest!” There was a moment of silence; I looked up at Michael feeling confident. His arms were crossed and he rolled his eyes. God laughed at me, and I got to say that made me really uncomfortable.

“Ha ha ha, so be it.” God said. And we were sitting at a table that made medieval feasts look like a Barbie playhouse. Michael was sitting to my right other angels were sitting all around. “What is your drink?”

“Fuck it! Whatever you wanna drink.” I said, smiling myself.

“How about the Wine of Antiphony? Or the Shrouds of Babylon? Or perhaps Romulan Ale, which isn’t real, but I can make it.” The orb shook hardily; I took that as laughing at me again. Even God was dissin’ me for liking Star Trek. “No, how about we drink the Divine? It is my own special blend.”

“Sounds about right to me. Only the best!” I said. A shot glass appeared in front of me the liquid inside shinned a deep yellow. It looked thick. I looked at God, and asked “Are you ready? Got to eat something first, that is if you eat…No? Let’s go!” I took the first shot and it was fire from my tongue down my throat and to my belly. I coughed, and immediately felt its affect. It was like light shooting out my eyes, ears, and every place. God took its shot and seemed to light up with the same response. I smiled devilishly. Several shots of the Divine followed without much talking. I lost count after seven. I was sweating, and a little confused because I was pretty sure my body was somewhere down on earth. I started to speak. “So… I’m confused here…”

“Hitting you that fast?” Michael asked.

“No, no, this shit if for pussies. No, what I’m confused about is what all this void shit is?” I asked.

“We do not talk about it, drink your shot.” God said and took it’s shot, and I took mine, the burn was less.

“So you do this for everyone who knows it’s not their time?” I asked.

“No, we do this for half breeds.” God said. The angels were watching intently.

“Half or what? I mean of what?” I took another shot. God followed. Michael looked surprised. Drunkenness grabbed a hold me, I thought I was about to throw up, but I just burped and little yellow sparks fluttered out of my mouth.

“Half of the Voided ones, half of my creation.” God said.

“What, like I’m half devil? Am I the Antichrist? Because… I swear I might’ve broken some shit… but, I never killed anyone.” I said.

The hall erupted into laughter.

“No” Michael said. “There are other things out in the vastness of the universe that are not of Gods creation. Things that live and breath, and have breeded with the light of the universe. There are more forces out there than heaven and hell. They are of the Void, of the dark that God carved out creation when it said let there be light. You have a shard of them in your soul. It happens to people like you.”

“WHAT black people!?!” I shouted, followed by another round of laughter. I felt stupid and drunk after I said it.

“Black, white, purple, you’re all the same, there is no difference between skin tones, and I have no idea when you morons are going to get that. Those identifications are left for the small minded on your planet. No, he meant Owen’s. And a various other few …there are thousands of dimensions and quite a few who are like yourself, that look like you, talk like you. Some are vicious killers, others brilliant thinkers, still some write bad poetry and live in their parents basement, but you all share a piece of the void… and most have a…how should I say it, have a special lenience to view the bigger picture.” God spoke.

“Wait, so let me get me this straight. Excuse me” I took my shot of the Divine, God followed suit. “I’m one of like thousands? Of the same version of me? And I got like magical stuff in my tummy that makes me ‘special’? Muhh ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hahaha ahhh hahaa ha ha! Bullshit!! And they say I get high!” I laughed there if you couldn’t tell. Everyone looked stern.

I decided I was probably having an acid flash back in my car. Probably cracked my back wrong. But is there any truth to that urban legend?

“Would you like to know the truth?” God asked. And for the first time, it slurred

I cupped my hands to my ears and said “Tell me! I’m all ears bitch.” Hey, I was going for an easy laugh.

“No, you’re not, but I could make you all ears.” God said.

I thought for a moment about being all ears. Would that mean I would be a set of giant ears with eye balls in the middle? Or like, I’d look like a human with ears everywhere? Then I thought, damn, I got small ears! Then thinking about ear wax made me almost nauseas. I looked at God apologetically “My bad. You’re God, respect.”

“There are thousand and thousands of Dimensions, true. But Owen’s, the Shadowsong Kin, your numbers are less than a hundred. Some of you don’t live long.” Michael said.

Conversation ran on and I drank more, talking shit then looking at Michael and seeing mixtures of fear, amusement, and annoyance. The Angels at the table were starting to disperse, probably off to save a life or kill something. What God said to me at that point? I have no idea.

Visions were passing through my head. My ex-girl singing a baby to sleep, then going into her room with the guy I knew she’d end up with and crying herself to sleep until she wasn’t conscious. I saw an elevator cable snap and send a man flying up to the top of an apartment building to his death. There was one where a guy, that was me except more ruggedly handsome, running towards a short guy trying to disarm a bomb it. The bomb exploded in his face, and the emotions I felt in that moment, like everything dying everything melting, he was dead and something bad disintegrated in my chest…or that Owen’s chest.

Finally I saw a man, or what seemed like a man, he reminded me of Michael, running towards a beautiful pregnant woman hanging from a rope tied to a tree. It was in the old world. He ran, tears streaming from his eyes, her belly started to glow then she disintegrated right before his eyes. The crown she wore on her head shattered and cut his arms and his face.

Michael nudged me; I had my head in my hands staring off into the distance. I’d probably taken about a hundred shots, or at least that’s how I felt, but I was also starting to get that headache right before you get sober.

“What!” I looked at Michael through one eye. He pointed to God, and though it was incorporeal it looked like it was in rough shape. God’s light had dimmed, the wall behind it faded in and out. Nothing seemed solid now. At times it was like sitting in a white void, at others the same hall we’d been in.

“Come on. Come on. Tell me something I don’t know.” I said. “And pour me a double!”

“Okaaay, alriiight! Screw it; you’re an arrogant little monkey…” God kept talking and I looked up Michael with a furrowed brow.

“That wasn’t racist right?” I whispered Mike shook his head no.

“…Their all gonna leave you. He’s gonna find out what happened, and blame you for it. You’re going fall in love again, and she’ll eventually hate you and you’ll try and make amends, she won’t listen. Then you’ll move out, and maybe sober up, and stop being such a dip shit and make peace wi….”

We stared at God for about five minutes. “Dude did he fall asleep?” I asked Mike. Mike nodded his head in disbelief.

“Yup.” He said.

“Suck on that Bitches!!!” I yelled and God roused itself. Light brightening going from drunk to super sober.

“Michael, get him the hell out of here.”

Wings beating against the darkness, and I was at the gates to heaven. I stumbled and fell on my face. “Jesus shit!” I said picking myself off the ground.

“Kid you’ve got balls. Especially swearing like that here.” Michael said.

“Yeah, but I just out drank GOD! I think that was a free one. Hey, hey, was Jesus the son of God?” I asked offhandedly.

“You’ve used up all your freebies. God wasn’t lying to you about you having a shard of the void in you. The only reason you won is because of it. See your kind, the Owen’s, aren’t special because of the darkness that lies in your souls. No, the reason your tire got sheered off isn’t because God wanted you dead, it’s because of the void, random things are going to happen around you and always have because a piece of you isn’t human. But the thing about you Owen’s is that most of you are just plain fucking lucky. You knew you had God when it slurred the first time, and you kept pressing God, trying to keep it talking and drinking you kept pushing buttons and asking dumb questions. Honestly, I bet God knew too.”

“I’ll take it.” I said.

“Good luck Owen. And please don’t drink, drive, and eat chicken tenders… I’m sure they can wait till you get home”

“What happens now?” I asked.

“You wake up… and don’t remember any of this.”

Then I woke up in my bed. There was chicken tender box on my floor, empty, and melted banana slurpee. I remembered the whole thing. I had a hangover the likes of which people in novels write about, but I remembered. Probably because of the piece of the void inside me.

So, here I am, in Detroit, typing on my laptop, bare foot watching my roommate stumble around on ambien. Dumbass. What God said about my future came true. All of it except the part about the new love. I don’t think I’m going to be loving anyone ever again. Some of the things I saw in my visions came true too. No one would ever believe me, so I wrote it as a piece of fiction and made myself sound cooler. But I did out drink God, and sometimes these days, watching my life crash around me, sometimes I wish I hadn’t. What if I never go back to heaven? What if everyone was better off with me dead?

2008:

After my time in Detroit I moved back home to Grand Rapids MI, I loved and lost here, fought saw so many random acts and strange occurrences, and I always think back to the night I died. I’m on the cusp of moving on to something else again. No I see the the world and humanity for what it truly is; something so amazing so intricately tied to the universe. The beauty we can conjore from our finger tips the way we function our science and technology is so beautiful and scarey that when this little Owen thinks about it he can barely breathe.

I thought those predictions God made were curses. That I might have been damned or something like that. Turns out I did meet the girl, and I did fuck it up. But today I realized that I’m going to try and find a way to forgive myself for the horrible harm I’ve caused, and forgive other people for the slights against me. I know that going to Detroit was running away. That my house is going to be a haven for those like myself, for the friends I lost. I’m going to invite them over to speak to me. My mission is to become a force in the world. One that doesn’t care about Heaven or Hell, for those that feel they don’t belong on any side. That’s the end of my story. Well, except, every once in a while when I’m at a bar I think I glimpse Michael in the crowd toasting a glass to me. It’s only a second, but I’m always sure it’s him, raising a glass to the guy that out drank God.