Best Laid Plans

The bed laid plans of mice and men. Thought I could stay angry. Because I am really angry. But now I'm just really sad and distraught.  I can't abide the disease.  I can't gift the rest of my life to someone who refuses to admit the dangers of their behavior.  Let alone I am a liar. 

But really right now all I want is a hug to feel better.  The last few years have been terrible.  I'm tired and really raw about it.  Antidepressants aren't helping how down I feel.  So the only thing to do is sit here and feel fucked up about it, and hope that one day it will pass. And I'll stop seeing her face in the back of my head. 

A Proto-Life

Alright here is the plan. I've been thinking about my economic future lately. And it's starting to look more and more like there is no place to go here in Michigan. I graduated from school almost five years ago and a degree in the graphic arts hasn't gotten me any closer to the life style and financial independence I so desperately crave. I feel like life is pushing me to leave again. My job is just the worst. I feel under paid and under appreciated there is no reward for doing a good job except for them asking for more work from me. The system itself is geared towards cronnieism and nepotism, and people look at me like I'm lucky to be breathing the same air as them. I'm tired of not being valued and asked to sacrifice so much for a position I don't want, working with people I cannot stand.

So that means go right? Go some place where you can use your talents instead of slaving away in a manual labor job making scraps and being told I'm lucky I get that those said scraps. It's an analogy for my entire life really. I give and expect the world to play by the same rules but it doesn't. A honorable character is great but that honor doesn't pay you what your worth nor any of your bills.

There has gotta be an out without taken drastic measures. What do you do when your stuck in a rut? Maybe such a situation does call for a scenery change. Nothing is really holding me here but myself. It's like I'm living a proto life. Like this is just practice for the real one. It's like every door is shut to me. Like opportunity is for other people.

But I'm positive I deserve to good life. I don't have to live in a world where people treat me like shit. Or stress me to the nth degree. There has got to be a place where I don't feel like the odd man out. Where all of me is accepted not just the pieces people want to acknowledge.

I need a win.

I haven't won one in a long time. I need a win a large victory. I Feel like i've been losing far to long. I never expected to keep this job for very long. I thought I would just keep on moving. Much like other situations I've stuck around and fought not knowing why. Probably to my detriment who knows. Some say work is it's own reward. The hell it is, why work towards someone else's benefit when they reap the rewards and you get the scraps from the table? Why fight for something that is ultimately worth losing?
Health benefits, I sold my soul for anti-depressants and a couple of surgical procedures. For some unknown reason I'm stuck in the same place. I put my head down and do my personal work but reality interrupts me. I have to play fetch at the hospital and counselor/ friend on the weekends.
I have been fucked over by so many people and I wonder sometimes that in life am I meant to lose?

In the Haunted Places

It doesn't have to kill us, not every hour, sure we can feel the knife thrust but the wound doesn't have to bleed all day everyday. Things fall apart and we're just kids with paper tiger masks. We're electricity branching through water. We're a damn cautionary tale for lovers with too much passion. You've got black on your face and I got blood on my hands held tight over my eyes.
It's a beautiful moment to watch the world end. Just a tiny world for two, the wind was to strong we broke our backs to try and bend. Forever haunted.

Oh so personal.

I will talk to you while i fuck you. I will say deeply personal and sexual things while my dick slides inside of you. I’ll talk about being inside of you in your ear still pushing further in. Only to feel the wetness on the base of my cock. To feel me smack into you… flesh against flesh. You fucking me back as I fuck you right. I am inside of you now and I always will be. No matter how far away or how lost we are to one another. You spread your softness and I deliver the hard spike of ME.

Feeling Jagged

I screamed out for the universe to help me. And all I heard was silence and that was answer enough. My job is a terrible organization to work for. I complain about it, but I do give my body my blood, and even tears. I wake up at 5:30 in the morning and my day is spent running and hustling from one Operating Room to the next. Watching people get cut open and stitched back together. It should be a place of hope. But our bosses do not care about us. We recently got raises and mine was lower then most of my fellow coworkers. I run the hallways eight hours a day, fetching, and picking, lifting, pulling pushing. Hunting things down and I get a small nod of appreciation but the glory goes to everyone else. My coworkers and I are marginalized and understaffed. Told we have to do more with less. The majority of the money stays at the top. For a while we weren’t allowed to take time off because we were so sort staffed. Not to mention how many OR’s we have to cover a day. It’s supposed to be two but since July it’s been three or even four. I start work at 6:30 AM and I usually don’t get a chance to sit down and eat until 10:00AM and even then there are constant interruptions. We mop the floor, we wash the tools, we make sure the surgeries run on time. We transport patients, get their beds, and help transfer them from their stretcher to their bed. Yet the accolades go to the nurse or the scrub technician. Our bosses pretend to care but nothing changes. My job is a terrible place to work and it stresses me out to no end because I feel like I am trapped in the moment of life. That I am ripped asunder by the people that claim to care. I carry a lot of pain with me always have. It’s my own fault I let people into my life. I trusted in people I shouldn’t have. And they used me and tortured me for all I was worth. Never realizing I am the strong one. I am the smart one. I’m tired of fake promises and lies to make yourself look better. Well that loving innocent kid, he died a terrible death and I took his place. Part demon, part avenging angel! Everyone is so fucking selfish, so fucking out for themselves and it weighs on me. I wasn’t meant to be treated liked shit, and stressed out by every aspect of my emotional and work life. I just want to run away. I want to be someone different than who I am now. One step at a time right? My art, it’s what lifts me up, but it can’t sustain me. It can’t pay my fucking bills and that is all I want. A job I’m happy with. Friends that aren’t selfish pricks only out for themselves. Relationships that bring my up, and run smoothly. All of these things I don’t have. And it’s killing me! Other people have them. It cannot possibly be my lot in life to suffer and toil for nothing. I cannot except that. I guess all signs are starting to point to extricating myself from this story all together. The only thing that keeps me here is guilt, love, regret, shame, and familial bonds. So instead of working out, I’m going to drink beer and get high. Fuck the world today. I’m gonna wallow in the depression fuck the meds they ain’t working. Fuck the job, fuck the past, lets lay down awhile and get back up later.

Stupid shit.

I am bored, disturbingly so. How did everything become so ordinary? I am fucking dark and twisted star gazer. I am partying fucking fighting guy not sleep over with the kids, in bed by 1pm on a Saturday. I need some change without terrible consequences. Without the madness of clinging to one another when all we should be doing is let go. Status quo is waiting for that hammer to drop and bickering about intentions and money, sex and all sorts of stupidity I don't care about. What's the next step? Foolish decisions beget foolish consequences. I need a vacation. Stupid shit silly shit.